A Bi-Pride Bucket Hat, Yes Please!
By: Sarah Bolte, LMHC
With June comes the beginning of Pride month and an endless onslaught of corporations tacking on a rainbow to their logos, merchandise, and advertising. Admittedly, these things do get to me - I can’t deny that I really want a little Star Wars R2-D2 rainbow pin if I’m being honest. It’s hard not to view this attempt to connect with the LGBTQIA+ community as a marketing ploy and sometimes I forget the actual values I have as someone who identifies with that community; there’s a conflict between finding joy in some of the themed products and feeling called out by an endless supply of rainbows.
What do I mean by being called out? This requires a bit of an identity delve - one that I struggled with and still do at times. I came out to my mother as bi in my early 20’s to a very limited response and a lack of rainbow cupcakes to celebrate. At the time I was in a long-term relationship with a cis-man and, to this day, I’m unsure if my mom understood the conflict I experienced with telling her about my sexuality. Given my own internal conflicts on whether I was being truthful to myself by being bi in a heterosexual presenting relationship, I can’t blame her for her limited response at the time - I’m honestly unsure if she even remembers I told her as we were in the car, leaving Target, at a red light (funny how the details of these moments stick with you).
Why does this make me feel called out by all the Pride merch? I still struggle at times with feeling I need to “validate” my “bi-ness” to others. I’m now married to a different cis-man and still in a heterosexual presenting relationship. At times, I feel the need to wear a blue, pink, and purple flag or rainbow to let others know that I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community and want to feel included. How else would anyone know that I’m bi if I’m not wearing something with the right colors on it? Better question, how do I learn to honor myself and my sexuality without the validation of others through words or things.
While I can only speak for my experience, I have encountered other bi, female presenting/identifying people that have had similar feelings and thoughts as they have either come out later in life or are only just beginning to allow themselves to feel the things they do. They, too, have had similar conflict around being truthful to themselves, or to those around them, about who they are and what they feel.
So how do I honor myself and my feelings while acknowledging my need to “be” a certain way or the privilege I have and still have in a heterosexual presenting relationship. Admittedly, part of this does come from leaning into some of that merch I mentioned earlier. Now, however, I have started to think of it as more of a fun and exciting thing for me rather than the ability to “prove” to others that I identify as LGBTQIA+. It’s cool to see yourself represented in things - whether that be a pink, purple, and blue bucket hat or a character in a TV show but that doesn’t mean you have to forsake other aspects of yourself in an effort to show up a certain way.
By all means, if you’re bi, continue to cuff your jeans and be the one in your friend group who brings snacks to every event, and don’t feel you need to do these things in order to show others who you are. It’s just as important to show up for ourselves as it can feel to do for others. The pressure to be or look a certain way in any community can be a powerful pressure and letting go of that evokes so much space and joy for ourselves to grow and figure out who we are - even if who we are continues to evolve and change as we allow ourselves to feel and explore.
About:
Sarah Bolte, LMHC(she/her) is a psychotherapist at And Still We Rise, LLC, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Registered Art Therapist. Learn more about Sarah here.